


and behind us, a white sail

by narcyska



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Boys In Love, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Heartache, Heartbreak, Heartbreaking, Idiots in Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Male Friendship, Oblivious Ushijima Wakatoshi, Paris (City), Pro Volleyball Player Ushijima Wakatoshi, Sad Ushijima Wakatoshi, Shiratorizawa, Tendou Satori Needs a Hug, Tendou Satori-centric, Top Tendou Satori, You Should Have Come to Shiratorizawa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:54:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27580106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/narcyska/pseuds/narcyska
Summary: Ushijima Wakatoshi was used to hiding his emotions, and it honestly was more of a copying mechanism, rather than a problem, until of course, he met someone worth opening up to.
Relationships: Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 89
Collections: Haikyuu





	and behind us, a white sail

"hearing you say dumb shit like that, really makes me hope we'll be looking at the same moon"

Ever since he was little, Ushijima Wakatoshi had a bright future just waiting for him to explore it and become great. Since that moment his dad tossed a volleyball at him for the first time, his path was already going up a hill, up to greatness.

But, like they say, with every blessing there comes a curse. Due to his parents' early divorce, and his father, and only friend, moving overseas, he became very closed off and silent, keeping all his emotions to himself, often explaining that "Mother doesn't like him crying", or "Mother would be angry if he were to jump around in excitement". He often came across as intimidating and scary to his peers, causing him to never have an actual friend to talk to, besides his volleyball, and a father who seemed to be forgetting about him more and more every passing month.

He moved to the US, found another wife, had another son. Had a life without Wakatoshi, who felt left behind and alone, but what could he do, other than become the best he could and remind him that he still existed, or more importantly, still lived.

So he took his father's advice to heart, and searched the best teams he could, to measure up to the best players around, and beat them all, crush them, end them, until there was only him on the podium, weighing the golden medal down in his hand.

His early life was succesful, and all, but most of all, it was lonely. The stage of life where the child should be playing around with his friends and laugh, cry, scream, and be overall dumb, he spent with an emotionless expression.

Looking back, maybe that was what caused all of this...

Of course it wasn't easy for a little kid like him to hold it all in, even though he was naturally a reserved and composed person. Countless times had he came to his mother, tears rolling down his face, but she'd just say "Get over it, Ushijima Wakatoshi", and he'd leave, go to his room, throw himself at the materace and scream into the pillow, until he ran out of breath. Or go to the garden and spike the ball so hard his hand was all bruised the next morning. The more red it was, the less his heart weighed inside his chest.

And so, he'd stop crying to his mother. He got over it. He never understood most of the emotions he was experiencing, but whenever he was feeling funny, that means, other than normally, doesn't matter if it was in a good or bad way, he'd just go and spike, until it was time to go to bed, until his hand was all red and swollen again.

That was of course, until he got a letter, offering him a scholarship for Shiratorizawa Academy Junior High School, a place where he was planning on going anyway, but still, the letter brought up a newfound confidence within him.

He thought he was just going there to become a better player, nothing more, but all of that disappeared on the first day on the new school year. All the first years were standing in a row, listening to the teacher, when suddenly, he felt someone poking him with his elbow. He turned away, suprised, only to see a redheaded boy, with big, huge, he'd even say, eyes, looking at him with a wide grin across his lips.

"I saw you talking to Washijou-sensei before, are you on a volleyball scholarship as well?" he asked.

"Yes." Ushijima replied quietly, looking nervously at the teacher, scared of being caught while talking.

"Cool! You seem really cool, everyone else around seemed boring" the boy laughed loudly, causing Ushijima to look at him, frightened, his eyes wide open. "Oh my, relax, Mr Mature, he's not paying attention to what he's saying, either. Look. Teach! Can I go home?" he added so loudly, even raising his hand, that Ushijma felt the need to catch that hand and put his other one over his lips, so he'd stop talking. But to his suprise, the teacher truly didn't care. "See, Mr Mature?"

"My name is not Mr Mature" he complained, crossing his eyes at his chest.

"What is it then? My name's Tendou Satori, I'm your new friend! I'm assuming you don't have so many of them, do you now, Mr Mature?"

"I'm Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori. No, I do not need any friends, I spend most of my time practicing, anyway."

"You do? Oh my, your life must be so sad! It's settled then, you need a friend, 'Toshi. And never call me Tendou Satori again, that's how my father does it, and I hate it."

"Noted, Tendou" Ushijima nodded, feeling something drilling through his stomach, as if he ate something bad. He wanted to smile, but didn't know why, and that scared him. Maybe it was the nickname? Wasn't it weird for that boy to shorten his first name like that two minutes after meeting him? Maybe it was. Okay, the unusual feeling must've been shame then. He immediately looked away, focusing back at what the teacher was saying.

Truth be told, Tendou was scared to say all of that. It was in fact him who had no friends and needed one, and he didn't even know why, but one look into the other thirteen-year-old's eyes was more than enough for him to feel safe, and secure, at the same time causing him to feel kind of nervous, as if...

...someone was drilling through his stomach.

And since them, him, and the first year setter, Semi Eita, would be the only people Ushijima would ever talk to. He felt some weird sort of pride whenever he'd notice Tendou looking at his spike with dreamy eyes, or telling him straight up he admired him. He never knew how to react, so he'd just ignore him, but deep down, it made him feel like on that first day again.

Something drilled through his stomach.

He'd even share a room with Tendou in the dormitory. At first it was weird, at least that's what Tendou said, because they'd never talk, due to Ushijima's tight sleeping schedule, but that stage was over after their very first practice match.

The opponent was Kiitagawa Daichi Junior High School, and their setter was a first year as well.

Ushijima was lying on his bottom bunk, eyes staring blankly into Tendou's materace above him.

"Toshi, are you obsessed with the guy, or something?" the redhead sighed, turning off the light.

"With who, Oikawa-san?"

"Yeah, unless I missed someone else who you were talking about all evening?"

"I'm not obsessed. I just don't understand how someone so talented joined such a weak school." Ushijima explained. Tendou knew it was geniuine. One of the few things he learned about his friend was that he truly didn't understand some mechanisms of poeple's psyche, not even mentioning the whole concept of friendship. And it was damn, bland obvious that Oikawa-san went there for his friend, the wing spiker.

"Seijoh isn't a weak school, Toshi"

"But Shiratorizawa is better. He should've come to Shiratorizawa."

Now, Tendou didn't know why, but that sort of hurted him. He had Semi at Shiratorizawa, Semi wasn't nearly as good as Oikawa, but he was theirs. He had HIM here, his never failing blocker, why would he want anything else?

He suddenly wished he was a setter, so he could be the one thing Wakatoshi needed.

"Maybe, maybe not. It's his life, not yours, Toshi"

And that was the first one of the countless times Ushijima Wakatoshi had broken Tendou Satori's fragile heart.

Nevertheless, he dangled his arm from the top bunk, so Wakatoshi would notice it.

"What're you doing?"

"Inviting you over"

"We live in the same room"

"Inviting you to my bunk" he explained, realizing he forgot how clueless Ushijima can get. The other boy eventually climbed the ladder and sat beside him.

"It's already time to sleep, Tendou" he said, but was cut off by skinny, light hands embracing him. He was shaken, not knowing how to react. "W-what are you doing?"

"You seemed upset. If your friend is upset, you hug them" Tendou whispered, his cheek pressed against Wakatoshi's.

After that, the bigger boy was silent for a long while, not moving at all, so Tendou asked if he was okay.

"I've just— Nobody has hugged me in a very, very long time" he explained, noticing the weird feeling in his gut increased, making him almost nauseated.

Tendou pulled back suddenly.

"Really? That's really sad, Wakatoshi. Was it weird, though?" his big eyes were glossy, and the moon shining outside the window was reflecting in them. Ushijima noticed that his eyes were really pretty like that, the hazel colour contrasting with the grey moon he'd see in the glossy coat on them.

"Yes." he responded, and Tendou felt that gut feeling turn into something more painful, until the boy added "Could you do it again?"

"Of course" he smiled, sitting closer to Wakatoshi and wrapping his arms tightly around his neck. He pressed his face into the little dump between the boy's shoulder and neck, inhaling the slight scent of the washing liquid used to wash his pijamas.

"Should I?" he started to ask awkwardly, so Satori cut him off.

"Yeah, yeah you should" he mumbled into his skin, and soon after felt the strong arms wrap themseves around his thin waist.

Wakatoshi's heart started to race at once, him not knowing the reason. He felt complete, holding someone like that. Or did he feel complete holding TENDOU like that? That riddle was impossible for his brain to solve, so he let it slight, enjoying the funny warm feeling in his chest. Was this how having friends felt? Maybe it wasn't so bad.

They'd sit there like that, both not knowing whether it was weird, or comforting, or both, or neither, but they didn't pull back.

"We should really sleep" Tendou finally said, but got no response, so he slowly broke off the embrace, noticing how Ushijima's head started to fall without the support of his shoulders. "Oh, unless you're already sleeping" he laughed quietly "I guess you'd be all grumpy if I woke you up now. Nighty night then, Toshi" he whispered, putting the boy's body in his sheets, and climbing down to lay in his friend's bunk instead.

The weird drilling stopped, he thought. He only felt warmth flooding his heart right then.

It never happened again, though.

three years later

Even someone as dense as Wakatoshi Ushijima would get used to a person after living with them for three whole years. It was now the last days of Junior High, and him and Tendou already signed the papers to attend Shiratorizawa Academy's High School after summer break, leaving their signatures on the "continue living with your roommate" as well.

Wakatoshi was coming back to their said room after evening practice, tired as ever, his legs barely working.

"Ushijima-kun, are you and Tendou playing cards with us today?" he heard Semi at the other end of the hall.

"I'll ask him, but if he was too sick to go to practice, then I'm not sure if he'll be willing to do that, Semi" he explained, and went inside his room after noticing the other boy nod. "Tendou, Semi is asking—" he stopped when he heard sobs coming from the top bunk. "Tendou?"

Then the sobs stopped. Ushijima's drilling feeling came back stronger as ever, when he noticed Tendou's delicate face looking at him from above, his eyes red and puffy, and cheeks wet, but damn, he thought, why does he suddenly look so different?

He didn't know what it was, but it was as if he was reading an interesting novel and he didn't want to look away from it even for a second, not to miss any detail of the story. It was the same exact feeling.

"Wakatoshi" he stated, rolling back closer to the wall, so he wouldn't have to face his friend. 

"Did something happen to you, Tendou?" Wakatoshi asked. He knew that Tendou wasn't really the person to cry very often, he always lifted up other people's spirits with his never ending happiness and weird sense of humour.

"No" the boy mumbled, but turned around when he felt movement on the ladder leading to his bed. "What're you doing?" he asked, freaked out.

"I'm coming over to see you" he stated "Because you're upset, and friends need a hug when they're upset"

"How do you know I'm upset?"

"Please, Satori, I might be clueless, as you often describe it, but I'm not dumb"

That made him laugh, and although Ushijima didn't know why, it somehow made him happy.

He then proceeded to hug his best friend, feeling his entire body shake, as he held his waist, and his shirt becoming more wet every passing second.

"Why are you crying?" he asked so straightforwardly and honestly, it almost pissed Tendou off.

"Well, Ushijima, seems like the only thing k-keeping me in this country is f-fading away" he mumbled, holding onto the material of Wakatoshi's sweatshirt.

"I'm sorry if I'm making you say something uncomfortable, but I don't seem to understand" he was feeling very uneasy admitting that, but the drilling feeling in his stomach wasn't going away, and he felt it in his gut that he had to do SOMETHING about Tendou's mood, because it was making him feel bad as well. He didn't know how, but these were the facts.

He laughed again.

"See, Toshi, you've met my little sister. She's tiny, she's cute, and she adores chocolate. Those are the three ways to describe her the best. She's the apple of my eye, and well, she has me wrapped around her finger, I'd do anything to make her happy."

A string of jealousy was tying itself around Ushijima's heart. He never had that, and he suddenly wished someone would talk about him like that, too. He'd never admit it, but he couldn't help that feeling.

"But the fourth way to describe her, well, she's also... terribly ill, Wakatoshi. For a year now she can't eat any candy, her beloved chocolate included, due to her condition, and I hate how depressed that makes her, but today, today my mom has informed me it got worse. I— no, I don't want to keep talking, I'm sorry" he said, pulling away from his friend, but he catched his arm before he could do that.

"There's nothing to be sorry about, Satori. Altough, I don't think I know what to say."

I wish I were you, he thought, then I would know exactly how to cheer you up. And I hate seeing you like this.

"Is there anything we could do to help?"

Satori lifted his eyes, suddenly lighting up. Did he just use the word we?

"I wish" he responded, shaking his head "But they moved her to an intensive care hospital in Tokyo, without letting me talk to her first. Besides, she's sleeping constantly."

"That's actually rude of your parents"

"No, no it's not, she needed to be taken there right away, or else her life would be on the line. I might be a selfish person, Wakatoshi, but I'm not letting it affect my precious cinnamon roll in any way"

"Cinnamon roll?" he asked, visibly confused, making Tendou giggle again.

"It's how you call a person you love, who is too precious for this fucked up world that we're living in" he explained.

"Oh, okay" he nodded, then sitting silently for a while. "Tendou? How would you like it if we went out to grab chocolate ice-cream? You love them, as well, right?"

Satori's eyes lit up even more.

"How on earth did you remember that? Also, it's past bedtime, we can't do that" he complained.

"I pay attention to details. And wasn't that you who told me that rules have to be broken sometimes?" Wakatoshi grinned, almost making Tendou loose it.

"I might actually scream right now"

"No don't, it will give us away, are you stupid, Tendou?" Ushijima responded, completely serious.

Tendou bursted out laughing.

"I love how dumb you are, Toshi" he said, not even paying attention to his words.

I love watching you laugh, the other boy thought, but didn't say it.

His mother always told him to go away when he told her he loved her. He didn't want Tendou to go away as well.

They sneaked out that night, it was obviously only to go to the nearest convinience store, which was just outside the campus, but still, it made Ushijima super nervous, and Tendou, on the other hand, was amused.

They sat beside the store, their backs against the wall, eating chocolate ice cream, despite it being winter, and the temperature below zero, they were freezing in only their hoodies, but the magic of the moment somehow prevented them from going back to their room.

"What did you mean when you said she is the only thing that keeps you in this country?" Ushijima asked, out of the blue.

Tendou was too suprised to respond, at first.

"Well, I plan on leaving Japan some day, I'd like to study abroad, maybe in France, and do something romantic for a living, you know? Maybe I'll meet an actress and have a fling, maybe not, that doesn't concern me at all, but I'll have a little flat just in the right distance from the city centre in Paris, I'll be living upstairs from some kind of an alcoholic, or another addict, and I'll sit by my window every evening, watching the moon rise, shouting at the kids in love on the street to piss off and go home already" he laughed.

This made Ushijima really sad, and he didn't know why. Of course Tendou had plans, what was he assuming before he heard that? That he was some kind of a sidekick designed just for him, that was going to stay by his side forever?

Don't tell him you're sad, don't do it, he's going to be angry, just like mom, he's going to flip out, and curse at you, and leave you, and you'll be alone again.

Never once in the past three years had Ushijima wanted to spike a ball so bad, not even once. Talking to Tendou was becoming his new copying mechanism, but there he was, all alone with his emotions, impossible to understand. He decided to clench his fist as hard as he could, so he wouldn't burst out complaining about how he doesn't want Tendou to leave.

Little did he know, it was percisely what Satori needed to hear right then.

"How do you know you're going to be living upstairs from an alcoholic?" he only asked, making Tendou shake his head in disbelief.

"Oh, Ushi, hearing you say dumb shit like that really makes me hope you'll be looking at the same moon as me every evening" he whispered, just loudly enough for the boy to hear it. His heart rate went up, and somehow his sadness started to fade away.

Only then did he realize how hard he was pinching his nails into his skin, so he eventually let go, sighing with relief.

"I will" he added, just as silently, and stared into the starry sky.

Altough I wish we'd be looking at it together, they both thought.

**

Tendou was jumping in excitement, beside Ushijima, when the third years stood around them, ready to declare who the next captain was going to be.

"I'm going to break off the tradition by doing this" said the ruling captain, thus resigning from his position "But your next captain will be starting his second year, not third."

A gasp of suprise went through the crowd, but everybody anticipated it.

"Ushijima Wakatoshi. I hereby resign from my position, leaving the team in your hands. Lead them to Shiratorizawa's next big victory, please" he said, bowing slightly. Ushijima bowed as well.

"Thank you, captain. I'll do my best" he said bluntly, making the older boy sigh, kinda like he was regretting his decision already. A couple of moments have passed, and the graduates left, truly leaving Ushijima in charge.

"Alright, Ushijima-kun, here are the first years promoted to your first squad." Washijou-sensei pointed to group of nervous looking kids. He took a list from his pocket and started reading the surnames out loud.

"Oh my, Toshi, do you remember when he did that with us?" Satori whispered energically right beside his ear.

"Why wouldn't I?"

He noticed a boy staring at him from the Junior High practice. He had black hair, cut into an interesting hairstyle, and a jealous look in his eyes. He intrigued him, and Tendou noticed that, puting, because my oh my, how dared his Wakatoshi not pay attention to his side commentary.

"Shirabu Kenjiro" the coach said, and a shy looking boy stepped out of the crowd, bowing slightly at Ushijima.

"What position do you play in, Shirabu?" Wakatoshi asked, and Tendou knew he ment it to be gentle, but it came out so harsh, the kid looked even more scared.

"Setter" the boy responded. Both Tendou and Ushijima glanced over at Semi, who was obviously pouting.

"Poor Semi-Semi" the redhead laughed, but shutted up after he got poked with an elbow.

"Welcome to Shiratorizawa Academy Team then, Shirabu" the newly elected captain responded, and the blond boy nodded frantically, walking over to them.

"Kawanishi Taichi" Washijou continued.

"Middle blocker, captain" the boy managed to say before Wakatoshi. He was obviously suprised by that, and Tendou had the time of his life laughing at him. That was until the taller boy glanced over at him and said:

"Well, I guess Tendou-san will be happy to guide you through it, Kawanishi"

"How formal, Captain Ushijima" the redhead pouted, looking away from him, and then looking back upon hearing Ushi chuckle.

Was he... satisfied, about making him loose his words?

That little bastard really grew up since they'd first met.

"I look forward to working with you for the next two years. I know you're great at volleyball, if Sensei says so, then I guess the only thing I can say to you is, give it your best. That's what this school is all about"

"That's the least inspiring speach I've ever heard in my entire life" Tendou laughed, but Ushijima didn't seem to care.

Later that evening he informed him that his friend at Seijoh texted him that Oikawa was also elected captain.

"Great, I'd elect him, too" Ushijima only responded.

Tendou didn't need to know anything else to understand what was happening in his brain by then. You wish he'd be your setter instead of their captain, I know. You wish you had the people skills he has, and my comment about your speech will now keep you awake for half the night. Because, no matter what I do, you feel like you lack that in your life. And I'll never be able to get it for you. Nor the skill, nor Oikawa Tooru, nor could I be the setter you wish you'd have. All I can do is be your friend, I guess, but is that enough for me? What if I want to be more, Wakatoshi?

"Never change, you adorable little dumbass" he only whispered, still scrolling through his phone.

"Why would I?" Ushijima responded, much to Tendou's suprise. Was the whisper louder than anticipated?

He failed to answer that question, because when he glanced over at Ushijima, he was getting ready to go shower, and was right in the middle of taking of his shirt. His back muscles were all worked up, and Tendou came to a sudden realization, which caused him to cover his mouth with one hand and stare at the ceiling.

"So?"

I'm so attracted to you.

"Nothing, it just slipped"

**

"Oh my god, Shirabu, you're finding context where there's literally no context. They're just best friends! Ushijima is the embodiment of straight! He's as straight as a ruler!" Semi whispered to the younger setter, who was staring at him as if he wanted to kill him. 

"Are you blind, Semi? No, truly, do you need glasses? I'm geniuenly asking, cause there might be something seriously wrong with your eyes if you can't even see something as OBVIOUS as this! Look at Tendou, just look! He looks at Ushijima-san like he's his entire world!" Shirabu pointed to the redhead older blocker, but Eita just shook his head, violently grasping the younger boy's hand and pulling it back down. 

"You're obvious Shirabu, stop or Tendou will hear you. And speak respectfully about him, his your senpai" he added, scolding the setter. He enjoyed doing that, it made him feel a little bit more important, after having his authority undermined by Washijou-sensei promoting Shirabu to the first squad. 

"Is any of you going to start tossing to the spikers, or did you come to practice to chat?" they heard a deep voice behind them, their eyes going wide as they turned around slowly to face their captain. 

"Um—" Semi tried to explain himself, but Shirabu beat him to it, bowing to Wakatoshi. 

"We're sorry captain, we're on it" 

Ushijima looked at him with slight suprise, although, if Semi didn't know him for five years, he wouldn't have guessed it was suprise. 

"I was just asking" he said, his voice as steady and still as normally, and Eita almost found it funny, how Shirabu couldn't seem to get the hang of understanding Ushijima's emotions. 

The kid just ran towards the net, and Semi followed him, not wanting to loose to the little first year again. They started tossing to various spikers, and something ached inside of Semi's chest when he noticed Wakatoshi jumping to hit Shirabu's toss, then nodding to him, letting him know it was a good one. It had been some time then since the last practice Ushijima spiked one of his tosses. 

"Alright, this is getting boring" The captain said, going over to his water bottle. "Let's have a match, three on three" he suggested, noticing the team already forming a row in front of him. "Shirabu, Semi, choose your teams" 

The boys started to choose, with one condition, that Ushijima and Tendou cannot be on one team, since the other one wouldn't get a single point that way. Satori ended up being with Shirabu and Leon, and Ushijima with Semi and Yunohama. It was all going really well, the match was pretty intense, considering there were to awesome spikers playing in each of the teams. 

"One step ahead of you, Toshi!" Tendou laughed, falling to his knees after succesfully blocking Ushijima. 

"Are you okay, though?" the boy asked, noticing how Satori was holding his delicate wrists, biting his lower lip. 

"Every day when I get to block you is a day when I'm a thousand times more than okay" he only said, getting back up. Wakatoshi noticed that his friend was in a really great mood that day, smiling constantly, making fun of everyone around him, jumping in excitement every now and then. It was kind of cute. 

"Damn, Tendou, besides seeming like one, you really are a monster at blocking, as well" Leon said, not really minding his words, walking over to drink some water. Tendou's eyes widened, looking at the boy with disgust, shock not letting him utter a word. He glanced over at Wakatoshi, who didn't seem to mind the comment. Everyone around was kind of concerned, but not really, reserved from the situation. 

Tendou stopped counting which broken heart that was, but well, the number was increasing. 

"Well then, Leon" he said bitterly "I guess you're lucky you're not the hero, because then you'd be facing me, instead of hiding behind my back all the time" his hands quivered, and a shiver ran down his spine, as he began walking out of the gym. 

"Tendou?" Ushijima shouted after him, visibly confused, but Tendou didn't care enough to stop. What was he thinking, that he'd defend him? That clueless little brain child didn't even understand how much was wrong with that comment, using the nickname his opponents would give Tendou for years, as a form of, he didn't even know, praise? Surely Leon didn't mean it, but still, he didn't care. It hurted him, more than it should, and he already felt the shocked looks on his back.

He acted like a drama queen, but so what.

"I'm gonna grab some bandages from the infirmary, Ushijima. My fingers hurt" he said coldly, and using his surname, which he didn't do very often. 

Wakatoshi was staring at the door Tendou shutted behind him, the team standing silently around him. 

"Should I go with him, captain?" Shirabu asked, but he shook his head "no" in response. 

"He'll be fine on his own. Keep practicing" 

Ushijima really wanted to believe that, but he noticed the emotionless expression on his best friend's face, and was concerned himself. He couldn't seem to focus for the rest of practice, which was unusual for him. 

"Is Tendou-san coming back?" they kept asking him, and it pissed him off more every time, but he'd only spike harder, the rest of the team shocked as the ball bouncing back from the floor and going towards the stands with insane speed. Nobody even tried to recieve them, because they all cherished their fingers and arms to much to injure them like that. 

It wasn't Tendou that Wakatoshi was angry at, it wasn't Leon, even, it was himself. The first one of many times his reserved nature seemed to be his enemy, not friend. He failed to help Tendou, and he understood his fault, which made it a thousand times worse. 

After the practice had ended, Satori wasn't in their room. 

"Tendou? Are you there?" Wakatoshi asked, but even after checking the top bunk, there was no place in the tiny room left for his friend to hide in. He checked the bathroom, but still, no sign of the redhead. He checked the infirmary, he checked every opened classroom, the gym, every locker room, bathroom, but he was nowhere to be found. 

He knocked on Semi's door. 

"Ushi? What's up?" the boy asked, suprised, if Ushijima wanted something he could've asked literally fifteen minutes earlier, after practice. 

"Is Tendou with you?" he heard, his team captain's voice shaking just a little bit, his hands clenched in fists. 

"No, I'm afraid not. Isn't he in your room?"

Well, if I'm asking, then he surely fucking isn't, you idiot.

"No."

"Well, call him then" Semi stated, leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed at chest. 

He nodded and did just that, three times, in fact, but there was no response. 

"Wait up" Eita said, disappearing into his room, and coming back, wearing his Shiratorizawa hoodie "Let's search up together, we'll find him sooner" 

Wakatoshi agreed, secretly appreciating the help. He didn't go back for his hoodie, there was no time for that, so he just left in his T-shirt.

"Alright, where could he go?" Semi asked, when they left Shiratorizawa's gates. Ushijima had no idea at first, Miyagi wasn't such a small city, and Tendou, with his personality, could even be out of town by now. He could go to Tokyo to see his sister, Wakatoshi thought, but he remembered they had a test the next morning, and Tendou was a foreign languages ace among their year, so he definitely wouldn't miss it. 

No, don't think what you'd do. Satori has different priorities than you. 

"Honestly, anywhere." he responded. Eita was shocked Wakatoshi used such an unofficial figure of speech, but he didn't complain, his teammmate was stressed, after all. 

"Aight, let's split up then. You'll go to all his favorite places, and I'll check everywhere near the school. But keep your phone ring at high volume, so we wouldn't miss each other's calls. 

Ushijima nodded and left. Where could he want to go, alone, in the dark? Only after a couple of minutes of walking had he felt his hands hurt, and noticed the bloody marks on the inside of his hands. He was really stressed. Then, a sudden memory hit him, of Tendou leading him to the cliffs, just next to the forest in Miyagi, to take a walk when he was stressing about their first national championship. He started running there, landscape around him blending into one mix, as he was speeding past the bridge, the houses, bus stops, stores, and eventually the trees. He only stopped once he felt railings forbidding people to jump into the wavy sea below. He looked around him. 

"Tendou?" he shouted, but there was no response. He started walking around, looking behind every tree, and at every bench. 

"Satori, come on, if you're there, then come out already. Let's go home" he sighed, his worriness building up. Then he remembered, his friend didn't like to sit where everyone else used to, he like to jump over the fence and sit on one of the rocks, often teasing him he was going to fall. 

The drilling feeling in his stomach seemed not to let him straighten up, and he had to force his insides to stay still, while ha quickly glanced at the sea and rocks below him, but, to his relief, there was no sight of Tendou there, as well. 

He decided to check somewhere else, and raced out of the forest. He was so caught up in searching, his mind was already going to the darkest scenarios, and he didn't even noticed when he bumped into someone. 

"Ushiwaka-chan?" he heard a soft, yet prideful voice in front of him, and shook his head before seeing Tooru Oikawa, in the flash. 

"Oikawa." he responded "What're you doing here? I don't have time for whatever salty comment you have up your sleeve right now." Upon hearing that, the brown haired boy's eyebrows rose in suprise. 

"Well, Ushiwaka, I live here. Can't I enter my house in peace? Plus, I don't have any. Are you looking for Mr Redhead?" he asked, a concerned look in his eyes. Ushijima was honestly shocked. Why would he care? He hated them both. 

Oh, right, they were near Seijoh. It was possible for Oikawa to live here. Wakatoshi noticed AobaJohsai's captain didn't look so good himself, but he was not the one to listen to his problems. He had his own problem he needed to solve right away. 

"Yes, and I'm afraid I don't have a second to waste." 

"Well, he was on my bus stop. I only asked because it seemed unusual for any of you to be here. He was heading for the city centre." 

City centre? Now, thanks to his worst enemy, Wakatoshi had an idea of where Tendou was, and he was stupid not to think of that earlier. 

"Thanks, Oikawa" he said, staring blankly at the bus stop, around three hundred metres down the street. 

"No problem, I guess. Say hi to him from me, he's the only one of you idiots that I don't hate" he said, closing the fence gate behind him, and walking towards his house's door, not even looking at him anymore. 

"Alright" Ushijima responded, only half listening to what Tooru was saying. 

As he was waiting for the same bus Tendou was, only a couple of minutes earlier, he still tried to get in touch with him. 

Wakatoshi Ushijima, 20:44

Please, Tendou, respond

Wakatoshi Ushijima 20:46

I'm sorry for what Leon had said. Come back so we can talk.

There was no sign from the other boy, the text weren't even on delievered, only on sent. 

He was so up in his thoughts, he barely noticed it was already his stop to get off on. He raced to the shop he had in mind, and noticed the lady behind the counter already cleaning the place up. He still had half an hour before they'd close. 

He entered, and the small bell above the door rang. The lady looked up, and smiled gently at a possible new customer. 

Wakatoshi looked around him, but to his suprise, Tendou wasn't there. He walked up to the counter. 

"Hello, sir, what can I get you today?" the lady said, smiling politely. 

"Hello, was a boy, around my height, with red hair here before me?" he asked directly, and she blinked at the sincerity of his request. 

"I'm afraid not, I haven't seen anyone like that." she answered apologetically. 

At that point, Ushijima honestly felt like crying. How, how on earth wasn't he anywhere? Where did he go? Did he really know him that little? 

He noticed Tendou's favorite cookies still on the counter. They were, of course, the chocolate ones, with spots of white chocolate. 

"Can I have ten of these?" he sighed, pointing to the sweets. The lady nodded, handed the bag over to the boy, and received the money. 

"Goodnight, miss" he said upon leaving, and she smiled again, waving at him. 

How could she be smiling? How could anyone possibly be smiling, when Tendou was missing? And on top of that, it was partly Ushijima's fault? 

He felt dizzy from all the emotions hiding behind his bland face. There was no one around, and he decided to walk back to Shiratorizawa, instead of taking a bus. He called Tendou again, and even left a voicemail.

"Tendou Satori. Wherever you are, please, come back, you're making us all worried. You can't just—" and at that, he ended the call, noticing his voice break, for the first time in forever. "You can't just leave like that and not say anything, you idiot" he whispered to himself, feeling a gulp in his throat. 

He leaned against the shop's wall, hitting it with his fist. It hurted slightly, but didn't help. 

"Tendou!" he screamed "Are you there?" he waited a good minute, wanting a response desperately, but nobody showed up. 

His phone rang, it was Semi. 

"Found him yet?" 

"No"

"He's not here, either. We need to head back though, Ushi, or we'll get detention" Semi stated, and Ushijima was honestly pissed at how laid back he sounded. But he knew the setter was right. "Do you want to report his missing to the principal's office?" he then asked. 

Right. Right, this was a serious issue. On one hand, if they reported it, the principal could start an official search, and Tendou would be home in no time, but on the other, they'd probably expell him, and that couldn't happen. Ushijima wouldn't let it. 

"No." he only said, and hang up. 

It was a long walk back to Shiratorizawa, and Wakatoshi hated every second of it. He was coming back to an empty room, with no Tendou in it, without any clue about where he could be now, wether he was safe or not, anything. 

He didn't even try to sneak through so the cameras wouldn't catch him. He didn't care if he'd get detention or not. That wasn't important at all. 

He slided his card through the lock of his door, and was welcomed by the cold room, which would be just right since he didn't have the time to turn on the radiator. 

"Tendou...?" he whispered, somehow hoping he'd be there, even though he had eyes on his entry card, still laying on the table, since Wakatoshi was the one to lock the door before practice. 

He noticed all of Satori's stuff still there. His phone, with no battery, his wallet, his ID, everything. Like he vanished. 

Too tired to even take his clothes of, he climbed to the top bunk, and buried his face in Tendou's pillow, inhaling what was left of the boy's scent. He couldn't fall asleep at all, even though he was too tired to lift his eyelids. How could he sleep in a situation like this? 

He realized, he wouldn't be so worried if it was Semi, or Leon, or Shirabu, or anyone else. Of course he'd be concerned, of course he'd search for them, he was their captain and cared for them all, but it wouldn't cause such a pain in his gut. It wouldn't make him want to rip his heart out so he'd stop feeling so painfully lonely and worried. 

But they were all his friends, as well. Why was it different with Tendou? Was it because he was his roommate? Maybe, but something was telling him that wasn't the case. The drilling feeling became more and more impossible to ignore as he kept thinking about what he was feeling towards Tendou. 

A warm feeling flooded his senses when he thought about his smile, and he instantly got worried when he remembered he was missing. What did that mean? 

A new riddle for him to remain unsolved for years to come. 

He somehow got through the night without sleeping even for a blink, until it was almost six, hence, the hour he'd get up, when he heard a knock on the door. It was still a night hour at Shiratorizawa's campus and no students were allowed to leave their rooms, so he was very suprised, but mumbled a tired "Coming" and struggled to get out of bed. 

He walked up to the door, and opened it, only to see Tendou, his hoodie a bit dirty, and hair in a mess, but a grin on his face. 

"Morning, Toshi" he chuckled, upon seeing the truly shocked expression on his best friend's face. 

He wanted to get inside, but Ushijima didn't allow it, suddenly pulling him into a tight hug. Satori could barely breathe, but managed to keep laughing. 

"What's up, big guy? Why're you suddenly so emotional?" he asked, much to they boy's suprise. He stayed silent. That was weird for Tendou. No matter how angry he could be, he'd never ignore a direct question, because he didn't get the concept of a rhetorical one. That was a lesson Satori learned the hard way a couple of years earlier. "Wakatoshi? You there?"

Still no answer?

That's weird. 

"You idiot" he heard a slight whisper, almost inaudiable. "You fucking idiot" 

That was officially the first time ever for Tendou to hear Ushijima use a swear word. 

He suddenly felt something dropping on his neck. Was he... nah, Ushijima Wakatoshi would never cry. 

But as his entire body began to tremble, it was painfully obvious that he was, in fact, crying. 

"Hey, hey" Tendou said in a calming way, moving one step into the room, to close the door behind him. "Are you crying?" 

Oh shit, Ushijima realized, he was. Was Tendou going to be mad now? Was he going to think less of him? Was he going to consider him weak and leave? Again?

"No" he added loudly, turning away, and walking deeper into the room, wiping his cheeks. 

"Sure" Satori said, a wide smile on his lips. Did he really make Ushijima loose his composure? Well, that was a first. 

"Where were you?" he asked, none of his previous emotions present anymore. 

"Places"

"Satori Tendou!" he shouted slightly, and Tendou flinched at the sound of his full name. 

"Alright, shush, it's still the middle of the night for some people. I was on the train station. I wanted to go to Tokyo to see my sister, but I forgot my wallet, and then I didn't want to come back, because you would be mad at me, everyone would consider me a drama queen, and I'd probably get detention for coming in late." he epxlained carefully, minding his every word, as he made Ushijima seat beside him on his bed.

He knew he hadn't calm down, he was still shaken, but for some silly reason he decided to keep it all in, even though him and Tendou knew each other for five whole years, and shouldn't have to be so careful around each other. It was crazy how he was closer to Wakatoshi than anyone on this world, and still, he still couldn't be the one person that would get him to completely open up. 

He knew it was a rare and possibly the only occassion he had cried in front of someone, even if it was for thirty seconds, and even if he denied it all a moment later, still, it was great. It was an improvement Tendou hoped for all those years, although there was so much more he had to learn about his friend to understand him completely. It was never a hard thing for him to do, understand people's motives, but with this man, with him everything was suddenly so difficult and different. 

He was angry with himself for disappearing like that, he didn't think about how much it would affect Ushijima, even though he claimed to know him the best. 

"Why would you go there?" Wakatoshi asked silently. 

"Well, I needed a reminder that I'm not really as scary and dangerous as people perceive me. And she's such a little angel, if she loves me, then I must be a nice person, right? If I got someone so innocent and good to love me, then how could I be bad? It's selfish, I know, but it seemed like a good idea at the time" he stared at the sheets between them, concentrating solely on their white colour, nothing else. 

"I could've told you the same" he mumbled "If only you'd wait, I would tell you the same. I know I'm nothing like your little sister, but I still consider you the best person I've met. The best part of my life." he said, standing up, like it was nothing, and grabbing a change of clothes. He went to the bathroom and closed the door behind him, turning on the shower, so Tendou wouldn't hear him sigh out loud. He looked once more at the bloody trail on his hands, and noticed his shoulders were tense all this time, and now he could let it go, all at once. 

He felt more tired than he ever did before. 

Tendou sat on his bed for a good five minutes, tears silently flowing down his face, his mind unable to comprehend what just happened. It was more than he ever hoped for. It was hard to get an "I like you" from Ushijima, and saying that? It shocked him up to his very core. 

It was almost time to get to class, and Wakatoshi still hadn't came out of the bathroom, so Tendou decided he'd check on him. He wouldn't respond to him calling his name, so, with his eyes obviously shut, he entered the room. Still, no response. He opened them one by one, relieved to find out the boy was fully dressed in his school uniform, but... asleep. 

"Oh my, Toshi, how am I supposed to get you to bed now?" he laughed. Wow, he really did affect Ushijima.

It made him happy, somehow. 

**

"Oh hell no" Wakatoshi heard Tendou whisper behind his back, and looked in the same direction as the redhead. There was a huge ski lift in front of them, but Ushijima didn't understand the suprise. It was a skiing trip, they had skis in their hands, were dressed in skiing uniforms from head to toes, what was there to be suprised about? 

"Scared yet, Tendou?" Semi ran in between them, a glorious smile on his lips. He was a great skier, they all knew it, and he was so, so ready to prove it. 

"What? Of course not" the boy laughed it off, his hands secretly trembling inside his gloves. 

He looked over at Wakatoshi, who, on the other hand, seemed perfectly prepared as well. Looking damn well in that all black uniform, with his long ass skis over his shoulder, and a confident look on his face. 

"I thought it was supposed to be you know, like that flying couches, or T-bars? Not this capsules, looking like space ships" he said. He knew what that ment. If the lift had capsules that could close, it was supposed to go higher than the other ones whe mentioned. 

"Are you kidding? These are the best!" Shirabu shouted, an excited smile colouring his cheeks. 

"Aww, look at the kid, so eager and excited!" Semi laughed, messing up Shirabu's hair. He glared at him deadly, his good mood all going away. 

"I'm going to strangle you one of these days"

"I'm looking forward to you reaching my neck" 

Shirabu looked like an angry chihuahua when angry, so it was difficult to be on his side without laughing. But Tendou's smile was all washed away as he was forced to put his skis inside the pocket on the side of the capsule and get inside. He was now sitting there with his three friends, two metres above the ground already, when some dumbass got his skis in the wrong way, and the lift stopped, making the capsule tilt from side to side, making him even more nervous.

"Tendou, you're pale" Ushijima noted, and Satori looked at him with hatred. 

"No shit, Sherlock" he responded, still not wanting to admit his obvious fear of heights. 

"Are you okay, Tendou-senpai?" Shirabu mocked in a high, teenage girl voice, calling him that on purpose, to annoy him even more. 

"I'm fine" he only said, grasping onto the material of his jacket and closing his eyes shut, so he wouldn't see how high above the ground he actually was. 

But about half the way up, he was already feeling as if he was to throw up any second. 

"Tendou, I'm concerned, you're whiter than the snow" Ushijima stated, making the others laugh even louder, as Tendou glanced at them with despise. 

"Screw you, Toshi" he said, managing to keep the leftovers of his confidence, because he was still inside something, that kept him from falling down. 

It all changed when they got out, and he noticed the big, white slope in front of him, and how steep it was, going almost straight down, at least in his eyes. 

"Wakatoshi, do I really have to get down? Can't I wait for you all here?" he finally asked, adjusting his skis unwillingly. 

"What?" he said, looking at him curiously. 

"I don't feel like sliding down, that's all" he explained faintly, and after a while of silence, he noticed Ushijima... laughing. 

He full on laughed, his eyes almost disappearing with how high his cheeks lifted up, he held onto his own stomach, bent over in half, and laughing his ass off. 

"What on earth are you doing?" Tendou was confused, seeing a view like this for the first time in his life. But Toshi wouldn't stop there, he almost fell over while laughing, seeming not to be able to catch his breath. 

"Ushijima Wakatoshi, stop this right now! Stop making fun of me!" Satori tried to demand, but his own lip corners started to lift up subconsciously. 

"I— I'm sorry, S-Satori, but your voice is so h-high-pitched right now, it-s i-impossible to take you s-seriously" the boy finally responded, "You sound like a l-little g-girl!" 

Tendou chuckled as well, but it was mostly from suprise and shock Wakatoshi's excitement caused on him. 

He looked very pretty while laughing, that's all he could focus on. 

"Come on" Ushijima finally said, when he gathered himself up, still giggling like a four-year-old, and suddenly took Satori's hand, and began sliding down the hill. 

"What the heck are you doing? Stop! I don't want to die, I'm going to fall!" he yelled, but the boy just kept laughing, ordering around to change his course every now and then, so they wouldn't fall on each other. Almost half the way he let go of his hand and began skiing even faster. 

"Catch me if you can, Tendou!" he yelled, to the redhead's suprise. Why was he suddenly acting like a kid? He didn't know, but he also didn't mind. "If you can get to the bottom first, I'm buying you hot chocolate!" 

"Oh, big man, you don't know what you just got upon yourself!" he yelled back, speeding as much as he could. None of his fears mattered, now that hot chocolate was on the table. 

This sort of competition would last all day, and Tendou ended up loosing every single time, but the last time before going back to the hotel, he managed to outrun Ushijima. He was pretty sure the spiker let him do that, but he didn't care. He got down, unhooked his skis and jumped around in excitement, when Ushijima came down as well. 

"My hot chocolate, Toshi! You owe me hot chocolate!" he shouted, all eager to go buy it right now. 

To his suprise, Wakatoshi laughed again. It wasn't a crazy laugh like the one in the morning, but a slight giggle, as if he just saw something adorable. 

"You skied down, Tendou! And didn't complain about the height of the mountain even once" he explained, smiling widely. And suddenly, Satori realized. 

He did all those bets just for him to enjoy himself more and forget about his fears. He felt heat coming to his eyes, so he started blinking rapidly. 

"I got a snowflake in my eye" he explained, and after a moment added "Well, I sure did, didn't I?"

"Yeah! And you were great, so I guess that means I do owe you your hot chocolate" he said, messing with Tendou's hair. 

What on earth was going on? Was he on drugs?

"Everyone! Come on, let's go get chocolate before Sensei comes down!" the captain ordered, and the team followed him enthusiastically. 

**

"Alright, this settles things for the next year's team. If anyone has any questions fee—" 

Ushijima interrupted assistent coach with his hand gesture. 

"Sir, if I may" he asked, his voice already steady and prepared for the speech he was about to give. 

"Sure."

"Kawanishi. After Tendou leaves this world—"

"Oh my, Wakatoshi, don't make it sound like I'm about to die, or something!" Satori shouted, the other third years laughing in unison, looking at their captain's clueless expression. 

"— You'll become the cornerstone for blocking. Have more confidence in yourself. Also, strenghten your serves." he said, in a demanding tone, but not very different from how he was communicating normally. 

"Y-yes, sir!" the second year middle blocker yelled, stressed as he could be. Tendou laughed, noticing how tense he was. Oh god, how was this team going to manage without them?

"Shirabu!"

"Yes?"

"The structure of this team will from now on depend on you. We don't have any weak spikers, make sure you draw out everyone's potential."

"Yes."

"Umeda"

"Is he really going to say something questionably inspiring to every single one of them?" Semi whispered, and Tendou nodded.

"I'm afraid so, Semi-Semi" 

"Stop calling me that already! Also, Tendou, I have a thing I need to ask you while Ushijima isn't listening"

Ushijima was in fact, listening. 

"Shoot it" Tendou stated, lifting one eyebrow in curiousity. 

"When're you going to tell him?"

"Tell him what?" he laughed "That his speeches are making them scared? No, that would break his heart, Semi-Semi, have a little compassion within you" 

"You know what!" he hissed, staring angrily right into the redhead's eyes. 

Of course Tendou knew what. He chuckled, smiling condesendingly at his friend and setter. 

"Wasn't that you, Semi-Semi, who said he's straighter than a ruler? The answer is never in a million years, not until pigs fly, and the world's end is upon us. If these conditions are all met, I'll consider it" after saying that he focused his eyes on the ceiling, not wanting to look back at Eita. 

"Oh, come on! I watch you two acting like an old married couple for six whole years and I get nothing of it? You need to tell him!"

"Yeah, I kinda have to agree with Semi on this one" Leon said, raising his hand as if he was asking the teacher a question. 

"What? You too?! Geez, do you have a shipping club or something? Don't you have your own lives to take care of?" he laughed nervously, hands already unfocused and tangling together his fingers behind his back to calm down. 

"Do it or I will!" Semi threathened, and Tendou glanced him up and down with a deadly flame in his eyes. 

"No you won't" he only hissed, his teeth clenched, and eyebrows frowning, looking down at the setter he was suddenly so intimidating, he really dropped the subject. 

Tell me what? Ushijima thought, but had to focus on his speech. 

"...Goshiki" he finally said, the first year looking at him as if he was about to pass out. 

"Y-yes captain?" he mumbled faintly, and Wakatoshi grinned ever so slightly, that no one actually noticed, no one besides Goshiki. 

"I'm counting on you." 

Tears appeared in the young boy's eyes, as he yelled "Yes, Sir!" and then "Thank you very much!" 

Tendou decided to go over to the emotional kid, and patted him slightly on the back. 

"There, there, don't cry, how are you going to lead the team like that?" 

The kid looked back up at him, with a thankful smile on his lips. Semi and the others couldn't shake the feeling that these two really do match each other perfectly. Wakatoshi builds everyone up with his officially sounding speeches, and Satori cheers them up if they need it. One is reserved, the other overly excited and emotional. One doesn't speak, the other won't shut up for a second. 

One is oblivious, the other had been in love for the past six years and knows damn well that drilling feeling inside his stomach is never, ever going away. And he wishes it would, he wishes so hard. 

Ushijima smiled gently as he watched Tendou laugh over the bent over boy. 

"Alright" he decided to break the tention "I guess we still have that hundred serves to do"

He could really use some serious spiking right then and there, the feelings inside him wanting to erupt like a volcano of emotions. 

"You're really going to do that?" Tendou looked at him with exhaustion and shock in his eyes. 

Ushijima laughed. 

"I was joking"

"You were WHAT?" the team yelled, and then broke down into laughter.

And so their story went on, through the last months of high school, graduation, and then college. Well, for Tendou it was college, for Ushijima it was playing in Japan's National Youth Team, for players under the age of nineteen. 

The fact they couldn't possibly get through the challenges of life without each other was clearly visible when they rented an apartament in Tokyo together and had the best time continuing being roommates, like they did for the last six years. They'd visit their old highschool once or twice, but mostly it was being out of the house for most of the day, coming home in the evening, and watching some crappy show, eventually falling asleep. 

Ushijima always brought Tendou with him on his morning runs, much to the latter's disamusement. Tendou, on the other hand, would often explain the concepts he'd learn, but Ushijima, although he was an intelligent person, would mostly just nod and pretend to understand. 

They were happy like that. No problems in sight, no worries, no sorrows. None of them mentioned the thing Wakatoshi overheard that day after loosing their match to Karasuno, and Tendou was very content not telling him anything. 

Of course a string of jealousy would tie around his heart every time he opened the mail to find like a thousand fan letters all for his roomie, but he knew it wasn't like Ushijima was falling in love. He wasn't even sure if he was familiar with the concept. 

Later on everyone assumed that it was the young player who left his best friend first, because of his ongoing career and invitations to other teams, but that actually wasn't true. 

"Hey, Toshi, you there?" he heard Tendou's quiet voice on the other side of his door.

"Yeah" he mumbled, face buried deep in his pillow. 

The door opened, and the redhead appeared in them, but when Ushijima finally looked at him, something seemed off. He appeared smaller, and thinner than usual, but the volleyball player explained that to himself with his exhaustion. 

"I have an important issue I have to discuss with you." he said, and Wakatoshi lifted himself up to a sitting position, eyes hardly managing to stay open and focus on the boy's figure. 

"What is it?" he asked, noticing the big envelope in his best friend's hands. 

The boy sighed, looking through the big window, like he was searching for something in Tokyo's late night landscape. 

"Remember when we were still kids, and you took me out to chocolate ice-cream after Ichika-chan's condition got worse for the first time?" he asked, his eyes upsent, mind already somewhere else. 

"I do, why?"

"Well, we talked about our future then, remember? When I said that I'd most likely move to Paris, and live above an alcoholic, and shout at teenagers outside my unit?"

"I remember, but you already chose college here in Tokyo, didn't you?" 

"Yeah I did, but... they offered me a scholarship in Paris. I'd study arts where arts have their origins, Toshi" 

That fell upon Ushijima Wakatoshi like a rock, hitting him on the head, making him dizzy. The drilling feeling in his stomach increased, making him grip the material on his shirt that was there. 

Was Tendou leaving him?

He did it all right, he closed off from the entire world, just so his emotions wouldn't bother anybody, he took care of him, he tried so hard not to tell him about that weird feeling he felt towards him ever since they met, he did it all. And still, he couldn't seem to be able to stop yet another person he... loved, from leaving him.

How could he? After he made him dependent on him through all these years, how could he just...?

But after all, what did Wakatoshi expect? He couldn't keep him in a cage forever, Tendou was someone with a free spirit, and it would do him more harm than good to keep him by Ushijima's side. 

"But, Toshi, I'll tell them to go to hell, I really will" he noticed Tendou crying silently by the window, looking directly into his eyes "Once you tell me that one thing I need to hear to stay" 

Ushijima's eyes lit up. 

What did Tendou want to hear? 

"And that is?" he whispered, not even blinking so he wouldn't miss any single move of Tendou's face, when he snorted sarcastically, and shook his head, looking at the ceiling. 

"Of course you don't even know. Doesn't matter, Wakatoshi, I got my answer" he said, leaving the room, but the taller boy ran up to him and grabbed him by the wrist. 

"Wait, let me think, please. I'm not good with emotions, you know that" he begged, and Tendou looked at him with his teary eyes, his look tearing Ushijima's heart apart, cold as ice. He finally nodded, and leaned against the doorframe. 

What could he possibly want to hear? Was it about that weird gut feeling he had?

No, that couldn't be it. Nobody would like to hear about his feelings. No one never. 

But truly, what else could it be?

"Are you asking if I want you to stay?"

"No, you heard me the first time."

Wakatoshi started to move backwards, until he stumbled upon his bed and sat on it, eyes fixed on the floor, head down, visibly concerned. It was heartbreaking for Tendou to see him like this, but his whole life was on the line. He'd give it all away for one second with his best friend, but he knew that would fuck him up for good if the feeling wasn't mutual. If Wakatoshi could ever leave HIM just like Tendou couldn't bring himself to. 

The boy's breathing started to get short, as he struggled to get the right words. Tendou pitied him. For some reason, for some mistreating he experienced years ago, he wouldn't seem to ever let himself go, and he was bottling up everything he should be able to let go easily. He never though he'd seen it go this far, but here he was, watching Wakatoshi rip the hair out of his head, struggling and trying to say what he so needed to hear. 

"I'll help you out, Wakatoshi. Since it's life or death for me, stay or leave, I guess I don't have to hide it anymore" he took a deep breath "Ever since that moment when you said let's break the rules and go get ice-cream, I was astonished by you. Here you were, the first person ever to bend their limits for my sake, and it moved me to the point I though I somehow developed a crush on you, my roommate, my teammate, my best friend. My very straight best friend." after that part, he wanted to see some kind of reaction, but got none, so he sighed and continued "But I knew it would eventually go away, because I was just shocked by the fact someone actually cared for me, in his really weird and odd kind of way. But it didn't. In fact, it only grew, every day, hour and minute, it stopped being a crush and started to be love. I was madly, and I mean it when I say it, madly in love with you, through half of middle school and all high school. I knew I couldn't tell you, I knew it was pointless, and impossible to work out, but still, I couldn't help it. It became a part of who I was. And so it went on, and on, and on, until it was time to leave school, and Semi tried to get me to confess it. It didn't work out, I was too much of a coward, comfortable with having you just as his best friend. But after a year of living with you, out of my own wish, not the decision of the principal's office, I can clearly see that I can't live like that. I can't live without you, but for that I also need myself. I need back control over my life. So tell me, Wakatoshi, tell me that one magical thing I need, or I'll vanish right this second" 

"Satori, you're making this too hard of a choice!"

"It shouldn't be a choice at all, Ushi! I'm already half convinced I should leave by what you're saying"

Come on, Ushijima, he wants the one thing you already know. It's not that hard. Just say it. 

"I—" oh god, it was hard "I, uhm, I..." 

His heart pounded like crazy, his head hurted, and he was dizzy from stress. Damn it, let it go, or you'll loose the one thing you care about!

"I... I'm really trying, Satori"

"That's not it" he only said, trying to leave once again. 

"No wait! Wait, forgive me, please, don't go yet." he shouted. 

"Okay, okay shush, the whole block will hear you with that tone" Tendou said calmly, putting both his hands over his friend's shoulders. 

He was close to being histeric. All it took was three words. And yet he was too weak to say them. He could work his best, he could put all effort in making himself the best, the strongest, the undefeatable Ushijima Wakatoshi, and yet still, he wasn't strong enough. He wasn't enough. 

Tears started rolling down his face, without him even realizing that. 

"I— Fuck! Fucking hell, Fuck!" he screamed, and screamedm, and screamed, but these three special words still couldn't seem to get out of his throat. 

He noticed Tendou crying, as well. 

"After seven years of staying by your side at all times, all I want is to be able to make you love me back. But I am really powerless, nothing has changed, has it? I couldn't be better than Oikawa, I couldn't give you what you wanted, I couldn't be a girl, for you to want me, and now, no matter how hard I try, I won't ever be able to just... make you love me back" 

"That's not it!" Ushijima yelled "That's not it, I wouldn't like you to be anything else rather than yourself!" 

"Then say it. Please, Toshi, I'm tired, it shouldn't be this hard. But I know you're an earnest person, if you say, I'll blindly believe you." he sighed. He really did look tired, how come Ushijima hadn't noticed earlier? How his undereyes were all dark, how the vains in his eyes were visible, how thin and pale he was... 

I love you. 

I love you!

I love you so damn much it hurts me to know it!

"I— really hate myself right now" he said in a tired voice "I— uhm, I... " 

His lips trembled, his whole body ached, everything was suddenly so blurry. 

"Satori, you're my best—"

"Oh, my fucking god!" Tendou screamed "And to believe I actually hoped and believed you'll finally, finally fucking love me! Of course I am your best friend, you idiot, you never had any more than me! I know I matter! I know you care! But that's not enough, Ushijima, that's just not enough!" Tears flooded Tendou's eyes as he finally stormed off out of the room, and grabbed his phone, keys, and wallet on his way out. 

"Wait! Wait, that's not what I was trying to say and you know it!" Wakatoshi shouted at him, but he didn't listen anymore. 

The redheaded boy smiled, bittersweetly, while chocking on his own tears at his best and only true friend, for what he considered to be the last time ever. 

"It was a pleasure being your friend and teammate, Ushijima" he said and closed the door behind him. 

That was the last time ever that Wakatoshi Ushijima broke his heart. But damn, it was going to last a whole lifetime. 

**

Every day, for eighteen months the volleyball player would message his friend. At first it was a whole paragraph about how much of a mistake he made, but then it was just his name. It became a habit, everyday before work he'd just text him "Satori" and hope for the best, but the best never came. 

He finished his career in Japan Youth National Team, and signed a contract with the polish one, Orzeł Warszawa. He left with nothing to even say goodbye to, even glad he was moving to the other side of the world, because everything in Tokyo was just a walking emobiement of the regret and hate he felt towards himself. 

His new teammates were nice, they were very talkative and friendly, and their fans were so, so open and supportive, it was truly suprising. He even started learning the language, but it was a hard thing to do, considering it was one of the hardest on the planet. 

"Wakatoshi!" he heard someone yell at his back, with that annoying little accent over "toshi" the polish used to say every time. 

"What?" he asked, turning around to see Daniel, his setter. 

"Come, we have a thing to discuss with you" 

Ushijima was tired, and didn't want to talk to anyone, but there he was, following the guy into their locker room, which he left like five minutes earlier. 

"What's up?" he asked, noticing everyone, even the two girls managing them, standing around and looking at him and Daniel. 

"Wakatoshi, before our coach got you to join us, he did a whole lot of research. You were simply the best there was, and percisely what we needed. But we're professionals, just like you, and we know that what you're showing us right now is nothing even remotely related to your best. So, the question remains: what's up? Are you homesick? Do you not like us?" Daniel asked, and Ushijima felt his heart go up to his throat. Oh god, he didn't know it affected them all like that. 

"It's not that, no, I'm so sorry for letting you all down..." he started, but got cut off. 

"Hey, man, stop apologizing! We just want to find a solution." said the one he got along with the best, Artur. 

"It's just... my mind is kind of not cooperating with me these days. My motivation sort of... left me." 

"Oh god, guys, I figured it out!" the girl, Kasia, as they all referred to her after Ushijima stated that her full name "Katarzyna" was too difficult for him to pronounce. "Heartbreak!" she yelled as if she'd just now discovered America for the second time. 

But much to Ushijima's suprise, they all agreed on that, and soon he had a million arms leaning over him. 

"Alright, let me introduce you to a copying mechanism we have against hearbreaks. We don't do this very often, because it's bad for the muscles, but this is an emergency situation. We call it wódka i karaoke. You'll love it."

Soon after he found himself in a karaoke bar, doubting every single life choice he ever made. 

"Wakatoshi! We've seen you drink before, but this, this you haven't tried yet." Artur said, putting a huge bottle on the table. 

"And what's that?" he asked. 

"That, my friend, that's Żubrówka, it's an alcohol, and it'll get it all out of you" he explained, and put the glasses on the table, pouring everyone one, and then bringing glasses with coke. "Drink it all at once, and then drink the other thing, so it doesn't burn so much in your throat. 

Ushijima did as they told him, but didn't feel the need to drink the coke. 

"It's not burning at all" he said, almost disappointed, which resulted in them all laughing. 

"Alright then, let's have another round!" 

Turns out their heads were much stronger than his, because they seemed completely fine after four rounds like that, and Ushijima's head was already going in circles. 

"So, Wakatoshi, who's the unfamous girl we're talking about?" Julia, the other manager, asked, nudging him with her elbow. 

"It's a boy" he said, then covering his lips with his hand, not realizing he'd actually say what he meant. "How many percents that thing has?"

"Oh, fourty, I guess?" Artur said, giggling. The number itself made him dizzy. 

"A boy, huh?" she asked "Cool, any name?" 

"You want it how we say it or how you say it?" 

"Normally?"

"So how you say it, alright" he sighed and said "His name is Satori Tendou. He's a wonderful person and I treated him the wrong way, and now he's never coming back" 

Well, that came out darker than he anticipated. The fact that it CAME OUT was already a huge suprise. 

"Oh, don't say that, Wakatoshi, I'm sure you can win his heart back" she patted his shoulder "In fact! I have a great idea! You'll sing a song, it's a karaoke bar after all!"

"Are you crazy, or are you dumb, the last time I sang it was at my teammate's birthday party in highschool" he declined, shaking his head no. 

But it only took him two more rounds to eventually say yes. He complained about not knowing the lyrics, and they sure as hell were complicated to sing, but Julia told him not to worry, that he'll listen first, and then she'll translate him the whole song and teach him the chorus, so he can only sing that. 

They were listening to his teammates go all goofy, while singing very old polish songs. 

"Okay, what does that mean, and why does it sound so funny?" he asked sincerely. 

"Well, it's a song called 'A wszystko to, bo ciebie kocham', and it means 'And all of this, because I love you'. The lyrics are actually pretty cute, he sings that he'll do it all out of love for the girl, and he doesn't know how to live without her, he could even kill himself for her, but the problem is, the song is very cheesy and well, kind of embarassing to sing. I'll record them, so I can send it to the groupchat in the morning" she laughed, and he joined along, noticing how weird they did really sound. 

"Alright, and what do we sing?" he asked, looking through the sheet of available songs "And does it HAVE to be in polish?" 

"Yes, yes it does, because it's going to be funny, and you're going to forget your sorrows for a bit, before we solve them!" she smiled widely at him, and he couldn't help but return the grin, moved by how far they were willing to go to get his personal life in order. "Alright, but first, tell me about what you did wrong, so I can choose. They're all old, I can't believe Artur picked this bar, but who cares, old songs can be romantic as well. So?"

"Oh, I'd rather not..." he said "I'm not good with things like that" But noticing Kasia's puppy eyes, he sighed and decided to go for it, the alcohol making it all seem easy. "Well, he was my best friend, and only friend, to be exact, for seven whole years before he told me he was moving to Paris, for a scholarship, like he wanted to for a long time. But he said he'd throw it all away, if only I told him what he needed to hear."

"That you loved him?" she asked, and she glanced at her, shocked. 

"How did you know?!" 

"It was kind of obvious, to be honest. And I'm guessing you didn't do that?"

"Yeah"

"Why?" she put her elbow on the table, and stared right into Ushijima's eyes, making him uncomfortable, but also convincing him to keep talking. 

"I wanted to, but I just couldn't. I know it sounds dumb..."

"Oh, believe me, I know how that feels like. Both sides of the story, actually. Well, I'm sure he does have a reason to not want to see you again, but too bad, cause he's gonna. Alright, your song will be.... 'Stacja Warszawa'!" she shouted, excited that she found a perfect song. 

"Does it mean Station: Warsaw?" he asked, and she nodded, giving him a thumbs up about his polish getting better. 

"Good, you're a really quick learner there, Toshi!" 

He froze upon hearing the nickname, but she didn't notice. 

"Alright, so you're going to be singing this part" she explained, marking it on the lyrics. "Overall, the song is about how lonely Warsaw seems for the guy without his love, and how everything that is wrong with this city would suddenly be better if only she were there. And you're parts meaaaan... the first one is 'Everything would be so different, if you were here, I know, not so difficult and strange, if only you were here, I know.' The second one is 'If love means anything, it must give us a sign, maybe sometime you'll see it, and tell me that...' and the rest isn't your part cause I feel like you'd have a hard time propouncing it. 

"That's actually... pretty accurate" he whispered, amazed by the text. 

Then she proceeded to teach him the lyrics. 

He was feeling insecure and embarassed, about to sing, which he totally didn't like, and sing in a language he barely even knew, but the alcohol did it's job, and he didn't care as much. It was honestly a nice feeling, to be able to let it all go at once, but he was trying not to do that, because that would've flooded him all, and he'd become a big, pathethic mess. 

And that's when he realized. He couldn't say these easy, three words, because he was afraid, that if he'd let his guard down this much, it would all come out, all these emotions he'd been holding, and he was worried how that would feel. It was so sudden and logical, he was left there in shock, and payed only half of his attention to what Julia was explaining. 

He went on the stage, somehow, reassured by the fact that almost all of the guests that night was the team, and he wouldn't embarass himself in front of any strangers. 

The song was nice to listen to, but the performance of polish volleyball players, well, not so much. He wasn't one to talk with his vocal abilities, but well. 

It was soon his part, and he took the microphone shyly, wrapping both his hands around it, and sang quietly:

"Wszystko byłoby inne gdybyś tu był, ja wiem, nie tak trudne i dziwne, gdybyś tu był, ja wiem" the fact that he didn't fully understand made it less awkward to say, that was shocking. 

Then the music's volume went up, and he sang more confidently:

"Jeśli miłość coś znaczy to musi dać znak, kiedyś też to zobaczysz, powiesz mi tak"

Even to himself, he sounded like a half dead pig, and his polish was terrible, considering it had a lot of consonants in one place, and not one consonant and one vocal syllables, like in Japanese. 

It truly did feel amazing to finally say something like that, and he didn't know which factor made it so easy: the percents in the alcohol he just drank, or his poor understanding of the lyrics, but he started smiling. 

"That was so, so good!" Kasia shouted once Artur, Daniel, and Ushijima, of course, left the stage. "I got that on your camera, Toshi!" she shook the device to prove it. "And I'm posting it right now! Tell me, does this almost-boyfriend of yours have an instagram account?"

"He does, why?" he asked, not fully aware of his sorroundings by then, not realizing she was in fact, not joking, but really posting his singing on instagram, on his official, verified account, and tagged Tendou in it.

After that, it was three or four songs before they left. The guys have all went home, and he was left with Julia and the other girl, Kasia, on the cold streets of Warsaw in the middle of the night. 

"So, he took off to Paris, huh?" the first girl started the conversation. 

"Mhm"

"You know, while we're talking about songs, there's another one I like. It's highly sexist and not quite adequate for modern times, but once you understand it was written in the eighties, it's actually kind of logical, and beautiful."

"How do the lyrics go, then?" he asked, too drunk to be reserved. 

"Well, the quote I'm talking about in polish is 'Bo męska rzecz - być daleko', and it means it's men's thing to be far away. She then says the only thing you can do is wait, and hope, the tears in your eyes will turn into happy tears at once. The title means that you can still see the white sail in the distance, and it's about the sail of the ship they boy is on, leaving her, and she's not sure when he'll come back. But what's most important is to hope that he eventually will." she said in a dreamy voice.

"You're right, that is sexist"

"Look at our dear Toshi, standing up for women" they both laughed. "But it does make sense, doesn't it?"

"I can see why it you consider it reassuring. I do hope to see him walking out of a plane to see me at some point, even though he hadn't said a word to me in a year and a half"

"He will. If all you said was true, it's true love. And love finds a way." 

"Julia?" 

"Yeah, Toshi?"

"How do you say I love you in polish?" he asked, his eyes glossy, she almost saw the reflection of the moon in them. 

"Kocham cię" she said quietly. "Kocham meaning I love, and cię meaning you" 

"It sounds nice. Kocham cię" he said, and all three of them laughed at how dumb that sounded in his mouth, all blurred together and not at all sounding like the nice and earnest expression Julia said before. But nevertheless, he was smiling widely. "I said it" he whispered, a hot feeling flooding his chest. 

"Congratulations, Mr Closed Off, you really did" 

Wakatoshi looked at the moon. Was Tendou looking at it right now as well? Was he still wishing for them to be looking at it together?

**

The next morning, Ushijima woke up in his rented apartament, noticing it was still so early, considering he didn't have practice that day, and wondered what on earth woke him up. 

His head hurted like hell, and he felt like throwing up. Then, he heard the thing that woke him up again. It was the doorbell. 

"Idę!" he yelled, meaning 'I'm coming' in polish. It was actually one of the first phrases he learned, because his neighbours and mailman were all confused when he used to say it in english, or worse, japanese. 

He needed to support himself by holding onto the wall, because the dizzyness became unbearable. He promised himself never to drink with his team again. He turned the key in his lock, and opened the door. 

He thought for a second he was still asleep, when he saw who was ringing his doorbell at this ungodly hour. He looked differently, his hair was styled differently, and his style changed, but for sure it was him. 

No, he must've mistaken someone for him. Maybe it was some kind of a new neighbour with dyed hair, and he was still drunk? Or maybe too dizzy to notice the details? Or his imagination was playing tricks on him?

Only then had he realized he was staring bluntly at the person for almost a minute now. 

"Toshi?" he heard a familiar voice say. 

So it was him. How did he get here? When did he get here? Why did he get here?

All the dizzyness, and more importantly, the weird drilling feeling inside his stomach disappeared at once, and he truly saw, Tendou Satori in the flash, standing in front of him. 

"Tendou, Kocham cię" he said suddenly, not wanting to wait with it any longer, since it was him. He then proceeded to hug him as tightly as he never did before, inhaling the scent, the aura, it all. 

"What?" Tendou laughed, as vibrantly as freely as Ushijima remembered it. The one thing he'd never forget was Tendou's laugh, even if it were fifty years, not one and a half. 

"That means I love you in polish" he explained. 

"Oh. But you're my best—"

"Shut it!" he shouted, way too loud for the early hour. 

"I'm kidding, relax" Satori smiled widely. "In that cause, Kocham cię, too"

the end


End file.
